Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no