Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is