Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I bet birds love this building.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
bugs when you lift up a rock
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Good morning.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes