Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.