My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
🤣🤣🤣
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.