funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
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I’ve had relationships like this
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!