Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
my one true gender
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.