I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Cat is stressing him out.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
the composer