Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk