It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”