The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Rich people don’t understand cereal
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
choose your fighter
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss