Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
You Might Also Like
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
still the best tweet of the year by far
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.