Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Not today, today.
Not today.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
WHO DID THIS?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.