If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
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ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see