“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
ouch