My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.