*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.