I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?