Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.