“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
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Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend