[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
hmm conte-me mais
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.