i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
🚲+physics = winner
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.