Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.