“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks