Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.