ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors