The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
How do you milk an almond?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.