BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO