I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.