A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
This hospital has everything
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: