Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.