Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.