I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.