Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
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“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
These 3D printers are insane!
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.