Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?