*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*