I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
RT if you could go either way.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.