My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
You Might Also Like
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
not seeing the problem
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my proudest tweet
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.