[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Note to self: always read the final line
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.