Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
This is a true ally.
oh my gosh!!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.