Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me recordaron éste meme
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
This is why I hate group projects
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I need better friends
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer