HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Thoughts
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit