Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
the answer was staring at me all along
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore