I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today