On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.