My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Wise advice
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog