I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven