*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”