Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Who needs an Air Fryer?