Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
#Caturday
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.